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  #1191  
Old 15-08-2018
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SHARKMAN SHARKMAN is offline
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1. Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

12. A man takes his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it..'

16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bastard!'

18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

20. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
__________________
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Cheers

Sharkman ..

"Praise and Criticism are like chewing gum .. Chew it .. Just don't swallow it .."

KTM FREERIDE 250 GEAR FOR SALE:
Unused Scalvini Pipe + Carbon Silencer $590 Delivered ..
New rear guard .. $100 delivered ..
Freeride Bendix 18/30 (New Welded Variant) ..
Freeride Crown Gear to match 18/30 Bendix ..
Top Tripple $165 ..
Bottom Tripple on steering shaft $220 ..

All prices include postage to Australian Locations ..

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  #1192  
Old 25-08-2018
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Nutty Nutty is offline
The "One" and only
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Shoalhaven NSW
Posts: 11,626
A lad is doing a psychometric test for a new job.

Psychologist holds up an ink blot, "what do you see"?

"A vagina"

Holds up another ink blot...

"A vagina"

And another ink blot...

"A vagina"

Psychologist: "Son, I think you have psychosexual problems"

Lad: "Piss off, you're the one with all the dirty pictures"...
__________________
"Ain't no use in waking if your dreaming's done" : Pigram Bros.

Current dirtbikes: 2018 450SX, 2018 YZ250-FX
Current road bike: 2011 FLHRC-Police spec
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  #1193  
Old 04-09-2018
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SHARKMAN SHARKMAN is offline
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Location: Riding free ..
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A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
__________________
.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..


Cheers

Sharkman ..

"Praise and Criticism are like chewing gum .. Chew it .. Just don't swallow it .."

KTM FREERIDE 250 GEAR FOR SALE:
Unused Scalvini Pipe + Carbon Silencer $590 Delivered ..
New rear guard .. $100 delivered ..
Freeride Bendix 18/30 (New Welded Variant) ..
Freeride Crown Gear to match 18/30 Bendix ..
Top Tripple $165 ..
Bottom Tripple on steering shaft $220 ..

All prices include postage to Australian Locations ..

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  #1194  
Old 04-09-2018
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Nutty Nutty is offline
The "One" and only
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Shoalhaven NSW
Posts: 11,626
Couple of true ones from mates up the pub.

John McCains funeral came on the TV...
Rob: "That's a damn shame, he was a good man"
Terry: "Yeah, made a great pizza too"

Boo: "When I was a boy on the farm, every time I drove the tractor it gave me a raging hard-on"
Skie (Missus): "Is that right"
Boo: "FFS Skie, get off the phone"
Skie: "I'm on E'bay"
Boo: "WTF are you buying now?"
Skie: "A tractor"

Discussing a trip away, Rob is sitting moping with his head in his hands...

Scrappy: "What's up Rob, it's going to be a great trip?"
Rob: "The Missus wants to come"
Scrap: "That's not so bad, is it?"
Rob: "Yeah, but what if she likes it and wants to come on every trip?"

Two old blokes up there have had cancer and walk really slowly...

Me: We could have a walking race between CB, Wardy and a tortoise"
Rob: "$1.10 the tortoise"
__________________
"Ain't no use in waking if your dreaming's done" : Pigram Bros.

Current dirtbikes: 2018 450SX, 2018 YZ250-FX
Current road bike: 2011 FLHRC-Police spec
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  #1195  
Old 07-09-2018
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SHARKMAN SHARKMAN is offline
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Location: Riding free ..
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The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M42 near Birmingham recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
__________________
.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..


Cheers

Sharkman ..

"Praise and Criticism are like chewing gum .. Chew it .. Just don't swallow it .."

KTM FREERIDE 250 GEAR FOR SALE:
Unused Scalvini Pipe + Carbon Silencer $590 Delivered ..
New rear guard .. $100 delivered ..
Freeride Bendix 18/30 (New Welded Variant) ..
Freeride Crown Gear to match 18/30 Bendix ..
Top Tripple $165 ..
Bottom Tripple on steering shaft $220 ..

All prices include postage to Australian Locations ..

Reply With Quote
  #1196  
Old 09-09-2018
SHARKMAN's Avatar
SHARKMAN SHARKMAN is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: Riding free ..
Posts: 4,730
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
__________________
.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..


Cheers

Sharkman ..

"Praise and Criticism are like chewing gum .. Chew it .. Just don't swallow it .."

KTM FREERIDE 250 GEAR FOR SALE:
Unused Scalvini Pipe + Carbon Silencer $590 Delivered ..
New rear guard .. $100 delivered ..
Freeride Bendix 18/30 (New Welded Variant) ..
Freeride Crown Gear to match 18/30 Bendix ..
Top Tripple $165 ..
Bottom Tripple on steering shaft $220 ..

All prices include postage to Australian Locations ..

Reply With Quote
  #1197  
Old 3 Weeks Ago
SHARKMAN's Avatar
SHARKMAN SHARKMAN is offline
dbw Pro Champion
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Riding free ..
Posts: 4,730
..
__________________
.. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. ..


Cheers

Sharkman ..

"Praise and Criticism are like chewing gum .. Chew it .. Just don't swallow it .."

KTM FREERIDE 250 GEAR FOR SALE:
Unused Scalvini Pipe + Carbon Silencer $590 Delivered ..
New rear guard .. $100 delivered ..
Freeride Bendix 18/30 (New Welded Variant) ..
Freeride Crown Gear to match 18/30 Bendix ..
Top Tripple $165 ..
Bottom Tripple on steering shaft $220 ..

All prices include postage to Australian Locations ..

Reply With Quote
  #1198  
Old 3 Weeks Ago
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wazza wazza is offline
Maico loving Chiko roll munching
coach driving international playboy.
Inaugural winner of ADB 'Golden Chiko' award.
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Batemans Bay. The place God created so he could go trail riding
Posts: 15,222
..
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If it doesn't use fossil fuels then it's not a toy worth having.

Maico will rise again!

The Chiko Roll - Health food of a nation.
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  #1199  
Old 3 Weeks Ago
wazza's Avatar
wazza wazza is offline
Maico loving Chiko roll munching
coach driving international playboy.
Inaugural winner of ADB 'Golden Chiko' award.
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Batemans Bay. The place God created so he could go trail riding
Posts: 15,222
My mate reckons he can tighten nuts and bolts just by sitting on them.
Personally I think he torques out of his arse…

==================================

Do you know how to send a woman absolutely wild using only your tongue?

Ask her if she has put on weight.

=================================

I've just bought some state of the art garden shears.

They're the latest in cutting hedge technology.

==================================

Paul McCartney is releasing a new single...

...When I Was 64.

===============================

My mate is the biggest Beatles fan in the world.
He's got every single they made except one.
I think he needs Help.

==============================

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens)n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment,self-expression and male bonding.

========================================

I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine...
She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...
__________________
If it doesn't use fossil fuels then it's not a toy worth having.

Maico will rise again!

The Chiko Roll - Health food of a nation.
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  #1200  
Old 2 Weeks Ago
Nutty's Avatar
Nutty Nutty is offline
The "One" and only
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Shoalhaven NSW
Posts: 11,626
Mum takes little Johnny to the Doctors...

Doc: "What's up Mrs Smith?"

Mum: "Little Johnny has swallowed some Scrabble tiles"

Doc: "Oh dear, this is very serious"

Mum: "Really?"

Doc: "Certainly, his next shit could spell disaster"
__________________
"Ain't no use in waking if your dreaming's done" : Pigram Bros.

Current dirtbikes: 2018 450SX, 2018 YZ250-FX
Current road bike: 2011 FLHRC-Police spec
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